What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
