just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
