apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
