Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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