There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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