The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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