I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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