Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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