i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
