My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
