Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
