Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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