I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
