Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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