For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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