Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
