im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
