How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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