my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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