4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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