Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
