She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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