you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
