I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
