I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I faked an abortion last night.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
