Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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