So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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