My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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