i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
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No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
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Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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