mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
