I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
