There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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