So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
