I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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