I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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