Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
