my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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