she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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