when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
