Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
