Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
