This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
