I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
