There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
