but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
