did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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