we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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