so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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