The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
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You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize