Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
