you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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