Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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