I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
