You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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