he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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